Related: Clarabel Diary

Redemption & Fear, a Path through Wrath

As i sit in the heart of the sun tree, meditating and reflecting on my adventures so far, i find myself in doubt.
Through all our trials, we have stood together as friends, we have shown concern for each other.

I no longer consider the entirety of my adventuring party as friends.

I find no rest, no respite, no peace in my meditations. My thoughts are like restless wolves circling each other in a fight for dominance. The warmth of my party has chilled, tainted by the blood spilled by Bjørn's will. My friends do not murder prisoners or use deadly force on civilians.

Even though i no longer hold firm to the beliefs, tenets and rules as i used to, i am struggling with the fact that one of us has now murdered 2 people. Murder is different from defeating and killing a foe in battle, this was not that.

Intent is important here and free will.

It is one thing that i fear the wolf will take control and do unspeakable things, as we feared with the girl Miri.

But deliberately, taking the life of someone not posing a threat, a civilian, a prisoner.

It is commonly considered not just bad form, but an despicable act of savagery, brutality and evil. The very things we are supposed to stand against.

So while we are supposed to be loyal within the party, how can i accep this and be loyal to myself at the same time?
Yet we continue on, we may say something, but we do nothing. I may have left much behind, but not my sense of right and wrong.

If we fight the good fight, we are to be held up by our values. If we are to be able to live with our selves, we must have the moral high ground. Armed with magic weapons and arcane powers as we are, what do we become if we do not hold ourselves to ideals and a strong morality of right and wrong?

Thugs, with delusions of grandeur.

Strangely enough, i do not feel these thoughts conflict with my newfound perspective of the predator and prey. Predators and prey are a natural state, there is no evil, savage, brutal intent in this concept. Kill or be killed is a pure state of the only natural truth, but nature does not kill for sport or petty feelings. The wolf hunts for survival, the prey flee's for survival.

People that kills people out of combat are not predators, they are outside the natural order, they are corrupted.

Unfortunately, the more thought i give this, the further i feel myself pushed away.

I find myself asking myself, why do i care? Have i not shunned the lawful side of the cosmos and embraced the chaotic side of the wolf and wrath? Is it just egotistical fear of becomming lost in the wolf and wrath myself? Do i see in Bjørn that which i fear to become and thus feel repelled? That might be part of it i think. But i do not consider myself a murderer and i am having trouble seeing myself as the accepting and forgiving friend of a remorseless and unrepenting murderer.

Murder seems to me to be more than a simple mistake. I fear i am capable, i fear the wolf can push me, but i trust that it would leave me remorseful seeking atonement. I trust that i would feel wrong, that my soul would be tainted and tormented.

I can imagine the horrors inflicted on Bjørn and Fritte's company in the siege. I can also imagine that being a victim of such horror would unlock a primal fury and rage against the world. But consider the villains we fight, what horror created them and their new world view where murder is acceptable. Do we excuse them on account of what horror fuelled their murderous actions? No matter the cause, actions are what we must face and deal with and our only guidance is our sense of right and wrong and the intent of the one taking the action.

By fulfilling his vengeance and acting as he did, Bjørn put us through his own trauma. He has become his attackers and his betraying commander all rolled up in one as he put us through the brutality of his horrors.

I search and i try to find a perspective that allows me to look past these actions of taking the life of a civilian in a bar room and brutally killing a prisoner in vengeance. I try to search myself for any double standard, for hypocracy, searching my own past actions. But i fail...

I see myself as having forsaken the path of the law, I thought i no longer cared much for wrong or right. That Bahamut's belittlement had me throwing all morality to the winds. But it seems i can be in opposition of authority, rules and law and still feel right and wrong. Is it the sanctity of life? Why do i not consider the civilian and the prisoner as weak prey that could not survive by their own might? Have i been deluding myself? Have i just been petty and scornful? What i oppose is the laws imposed upon us by divine oppression, that seeks to use us as pawns in some greater cosmic scheme that ultimately must be for their own ends. I believe we deserve true free will and freedom from fate and destiny. I believe we should forge our own path and our gods stand behind us as long as we are in concordance. I may still believe in the core of my former faith, but resent the attempt at control. Mielikki does not seek to control the predator or the prey, she is nature and nature simply is. While nature is much more, nature boiled down to it's core is predator and prey. Gods controlling mortals is perhaps the same. Through Mielikki i believe i can escape the state of prey, if i can find my way through to the core of the nature of the cosmos i can break the shackles of the divine that wants to impose their control on mortals.

No, i do not think i have been deluded. My fight with Bahamut is a matter of right and wrong. I still care, but i now believe that it matters less, if our gods wills it so it be and we can't do much about it. So perhaps Bjørn's god want him to be a murderer. Bahamut showed me there is no free will if the gods do not want us to have it. We make our own destiny as long as it aligns with our gods plans and designs. So why can i not look past this? Why do i feel like breaking myself in two when i try?

I feel this puts me at a crossroad...... that i must either break or remove myself

I am trying to convince myself that i should let it go, let this be Bjørn's burden to carry. He is a man broken by war, shaped by the horrors he has lived. What does it cost me, us, to turn a blind eye? Pretend nothing has happened and go about our usual business? Is this perhaps the path of least resistance, the path of survival?

Yet, i find myself in doubt. Are those the thoughts of prey or predator? Is this the cunning wolf or my fears speaking?

If i stay, what will i become? Is it survival or surrender? What is the alternative to letting it go? Abandonment, disloyalty, betrayal of friendship? I fear that i must either let it go or let them go, leave. Can i walk away? Do i know how? But it feels like i am being pulled in both these directions. I must either turn a blind eye or turn my back. Which is the path of the predator and do i have the strength to follow it?

If i stay am i just being controlled by Bjørn's rage? If i leave am i just running away from my fears?

Truely... i do not yet know.. and the wolf is pacing restlessly, baring its fangs. I feel like a carcass torn apart by hungry wolves, into pieces of myself.

This is what we mortals needs our gods for, guidance, to help us understand the cosmos, shed light on the shadowed paths of right and wrong. I pray i can find answers in Mielikki's wisdom instead of more questions. Whatever I uncover as my truth, I know this much: it will break me or re-forge me. I can only hope to find the strength needed to follow the path that aligns with my truth and to accept what i become...

I believe i need to hear remorse and willingness to atone from Bjørn.

Bjørn has become that which he despise. He abandoned our friendship and let us suffer the same horror his commander abandoned him to suffer. We had no choice or say, the horror was thrust upon us as Bjørn's attackers thrust it upon him and his comrades. Bjørn now is our Commander Sigurd and the attackers all rolled up into one, he has actually become worse than Sigurd.

Can i find it in myself to offer him a path of redemption? Am i strong enough? Will he take it and will i stay if he does not?

Wrath brought me back from the abyss of despair, wrath gave me back control. Is this where Wrath leads? Has Bjørn been consumed by Wrath rather than saved by it? Is Bjørn the manifestation of what i fear for myself? If Bjørn can come back, redeem himself, does that mean i do not have to fear becoming lost myself?

Is this perhaps a test? Am i strong enough to help Bjørn heal and guide him back from the pyre of wrath? and thus.. myself?

Can i find a path forward for myself, through the redemption of Bjørn?